Insanity?

You have probably heard of the fitness craze called Insanity.  Pop in a DVD every day and work out like a maniac for 30 minutes, pushing yourself harder and farther than you ever thought possible.  Give it your all for 60 days and, bazaam, you’ll have this amazing, athletic body.  Insane?  Maybe.  But if those results are really important to you, maybe it’s worth the craziness, right?

The other day I was talking with my daughter who is at college and was struggling with course selection and, ultimately, whether to stick with a science major.  Chemistry II loomed ahead like a monstrous fire-breathing dragon, threatening to devour her GPA … and her social life.  As we talked about the pros and cons of various majors and careers, she asked me, “Mom, did you enjoy law school?” 

I don’t think I’d ever used the words “enjoy” and “law school” in the same sentence, so the question threw me a bit.  But after a brief pause I answered, “I did enjoy the people I met and much of what I learned was interesting, but I can’t say I enjoyed it.   However, I really do enjoy the results - having a career where I meet wonderful people and help them meet their goals, and at the same time I can still spend a lot of time pursuing other things – like creative writing, and creative parenting.”   (I took a second to pat myself on the back for coining a new term without even thinking about it, since “creative parenting” captures much of the reality of my last 20 years, but she wasn’t that interested in my word art.  She just needed an answer.)

“Do you think I can really do it?” she asked – referring to all that it takes to get from here to being a physician’s assistant.

“You can do it," I assured her.  Later I added, "The real question is whether you’re willing to work that hard.”  Our conversation ended well, and she did end up registering for the Chem II beast.  Time will tell how much she will have to push herself to succeed in that class and beyond.  Yet, as I look back, I realize that many people choose NOT to go to med school or law school simply because it looks like … well, insanity.   They ask, "Why sacrifice years of your life working like a maniac in school?  Why push yourself harder and further than you ever thought you could go?"  And only the ones who figure out the "why" will proceed.

In my case, though,  I had no idea how hard law school would be, so it was more naivete than insanity at first.  Insanity was joining law review and pushing for As.  But the insanity didn't stop with law school.  We decided to have kids.  And when the first two were still in diapers I realized that parenthood is tantamount to law school in difficulty and sleep deprivation … except you can’t quit, and you don’t get Christmas and summer breaks!

Fortunately, however, kids that age are incredibly cute, and before we knew it we were talking about number three.  We were a little more insane at the time than most would be, though, for we decided to travel to the other side of the world, where we didn’t know the language, and adopt a toddler whom we had never met.  For domestic adoptions the prospective parents get plenty of information.  But our new daughter had been abandoned as a newborn with not a shred of i.d..  Everything was unknown and her photo looked a little … well… different.  Our international adoption doctor assured us, “That’s a normal look for 1 year old Asians.”  And we said, “Okay, then.  Let’s go get her!”

Parenting three children was a whole new ballgame.  My husband described it as going from “man-on-man” to “zone” defense.  I simply immersed myself in the insanity deeper and deeper, until one day when I heard the Lord say, “Bring them home and homeschool them,” I replied, “What!?!”  It took Him awhile to convince me, and longer to convince my husband, but by the coming school year there we were, learning together, through thick and through thin … thin referring to degree of patience I had by the end of each day.  However as months turned to years, rather than just surviving, we found we were actually thriving as a family, growing stronger and deeper together, pushing ourselves harder and farther than we had ever thought possible, and yet simultaneously learning to rest in the Lord and rely on Him.

To my amazement I look back and realize that during this time I was working, homeschooling three children, and watching as the Lord used us as a part of growing a vibrant worship and prayer ministry in our city.  And yet we still decided to step it up and add a little more craziness to our lives by deciding to adopt again.  Insanity?   Maybe.  Or at least it had to look that way from outside.  But from the inside it was simply the natural response, as we kept pushing into this thing we called YES.  “Yes, Lord.  Take us where you want us.  Do in us what you will.  We are yours.”   And soon we were again juggling the huge paperwork load of adoption.  Yet as soon as the paperwork was done, I was so eager to get to China and hold my new three-year-old daughter that I nearly threw a tantrum whenever there was the slightest delay in getting her.

November 1, 2005, we adopted Lia.  April 2006 we moved.  We continued to homeschool as we began the tumult of early adolescence for our first two while teaching the younger ones to read.   By necessity we grew more creative in parenting and homeschooling each year.  When I wasn’t working, I wrote stories, even books, but never had time (or energy) to perfect them for publication.  At that time I also became a sole practitioner (after 10 years at a law firm) so I would have more flexibility for the writing, and the craziness.   Perhaps one would expect that my prayers would have been begging for sanity.  But instead we couldn’t help but press in for more.  I still remember sitting on the living floor as I and my children prayed, “Lord, please let Daddy say ‘yes’ so we can adopt again.”  

Months later, my husband came home from a concert and announced, “Guess what God told me tonight.  Looks like we’re going to be spending another 20 grand!”   Later I phoned a friend, and I still remember the stunned silence when I said, “Guess what! We’re adopting again, and she might be eight years old by the time we travel to get her.”   When she finally replied, I believe it was along the lines of, “I knew you were crazy, but ….”

More years have passed with their share of us embracing other insane adventures.  Rock climbing with children of all ages; rappelling off half moon rock (before they closed it); rappelling down a waterfall.  Sending our daughter on mission trips overseas.  Fostering a child.  Building a house in Jamaica in 100 degree heat.  Pressing into “yes.”  Pushing ourselves harder and further than we ever thought we could go.  Sometimes I look back in amazement.  “How did we ever …?”

And yet the answer is clear – “Not by might, and not by power, but by the Spirit of God!”  In Him, and through Him, only, we were moved to what seemed insanely crazy -- “pressing on to grab hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of us.” 

Insanity?  No, quite the opposite, for the results are worth far more than we could ever ask or imagine!

P.S.  Yesterday at the conclusion of my RevAbs workout, I actually listened to the end rather than popping out the DVD.  There I was reminded of the flip side of pushing harder and further than you think you can go: "Don’t forget the importance of Rest and Recovery!  Get plenty of sleep, a healthy diet, restful downtime, and a day of rest between strenuous workouts."  

Thank you, Lord, for this season of relative rest, and may I press into this REST wholeheartedly, too!

Search My Heart, O God.

Ps 139.  Search me, O God....

After adopting our beautiful daughter at age 8, we noticed a one-inch long, raised scar above her knee.  Months later she explained it to us like this:  “When I was in the orphanage in China, I dropped a heavy vase and it cut me.  It bled a lot, but I didn’t tell anyone.  I didn’t want anyone to find out about it, because I thought that if they knew about it, then nobody would want me."

Have you ever had a wound like that?  Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside?  

Life can cut deep, and even friends can bring unexpected wounds.  But sometimes we hide the pain, for fear of rejection.   Perhaps the injury is a result of our own mistakes, and we fear exposing the results of our own stupidity or weakness.  There are many reasons why we hide our hurts, and probably the most common one is listening to the devil's lie that "nobody will care anyway."  But there is One who always cares.   We must remember that opening our hearts to Him is essential for healing and growth.  Just like hiding a physical wounds, hidden heart wounds become worse, causing infections of bitterness and unnecessary scarring, hardening of the heart, leading persistent problems in our lives.  Only when they are uncovered can they be completely healed.

The Lord recently prompted me to think again about Psalm 139:23-24.  “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (KJV).  David knew from his own experience with the Lord that the path to healing and righteousness would come by asking God to shine His searchlight into David’s heart to reveal areas that needed cleansing and healing.  Hiding sin had proved disastrous for David in the past.  And now he pleads with God to search his heart so that he can be as close to God as possible.  (To see a vibrant picture of David’s longing to be near to God, read Ps 27:4.)

The New Living Translation provides a helpful adjective in verse 23.  “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Typically when I have anxiety, worry, or fear in my heart, the temptation is to pull back and stay away from vulnerability.  Like a child who is afraid to show Mom the splinter in her foot, we hide the limp caused by the unwelcome invader.  The thought of Mom with flashlight and needle in hand, opening up the wound to bring healing, is too frightening.  Until the pain becomes too much to ignore.

However, like Mom, our Heavenly Father longs for us to be healed and whole.  Therefore, He calls us to open our hearts wide to Him and even ask for Him to shine His light upon us, searching out the problem areas.  What is causing our fear, our anxiety?  What old wound needs to be treated and healed so that we can have peace?

Is there anything causing an infection, like unforgiveness or bitterness?  Will we allow Him to search our hearts, flush out the offense, and apply His mercy and healing like a soothing balm with antiseptic? 

A friend of mine recently had surgery to repair a torn tendon, and now that healing is well under way, the doctor advises massaging the scar tissue below the skin, to soften and heal the area.  I have places that may seem mostly healed, but they still need to be softened.  As the Lord searches my heart, He may find a callous or scar, a hardened place that is still keeping me from feeling His gracious love and mercy.  The question is whether I will pull away in shame, or will I allow His loving hand to probe my heart for hard places and begin to massage it.  Only then can He apply healing oils to restore a soft heart in me. 

As the Lord shines his light more deeply, I may find that disappointment from past hurts is preventing me from trusting.  There may be nearly forgotten wounding from an unanswered prayer that is keeping me from praying.  How will I respond when the Lord reveals these areas to me?  May I respond with gratitude and prayer for more of his healing hand upon my heart.  

Look at the New English Translation of Ps 139, and consider the words that I have italicized.

23 Examine me, and probe my thoughts!

Test me, and know my concerns!

24 See if there is any idolatrous tendency in me,

and lead me in the reliable ancient path!

To what degree will I honestly ask for examination and probing?  Am I comfortable with the Lord knowing my deep concerns, even when those concerns are doubts and fears that reveal my distrust of Him?  Do we want to open our hearts and show our Lord the thoughts we have of our idols, knowing that such idolatry is unfaithfulness to Him?

Remember that in opening our hearts to God’s searchlight and his probing (and loving) hands, we take important steps to wholeness, healing, freedom, and transformation within!

Pray with me:  “Lord, search my heart for anything that keeps me from loving and trusting you.  Reveal to me the lingering effects of sin, lies, pain, and disappointment.  Uncover the root causes of my anxious thoughts and fears.  Where I have sinned or been hurt, forgive, restore, and heal me!  I want to trust again and love you unreservedly.  I don’t want anything to stand in the way of a wholehearted relationship with you!”