Search My Heart, O God.

Ps 139.  Search me, O God....

After adopting our beautiful daughter at age 8, we noticed a one-inch long, raised scar above her knee.  Months later she explained it to us like this:  “When I was in the orphanage in China, I dropped a heavy vase and it cut me.  It bled a lot, but I didn’t tell anyone.  I didn’t want anyone to find out about it, because I thought that if they knew about it, then nobody would want me."

Have you ever had a wound like that?  Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside?  

Life can cut deep, and even friends can bring unexpected wounds.  But sometimes we hide the pain, for fear of rejection.   Perhaps the injury is a result of our own mistakes, and we fear exposing the results of our own stupidity or weakness.  There are many reasons why we hide our hurts, and probably the most common one is listening to the devil's lie that "nobody will care anyway."  But there is One who always cares.   We must remember that opening our hearts to Him is essential for healing and growth.  Just like hiding a physical wounds, hidden heart wounds become worse, causing infections of bitterness and unnecessary scarring, hardening of the heart, leading persistent problems in our lives.  Only when they are uncovered can they be completely healed.

The Lord recently prompted me to think again about Psalm 139:23-24.  “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts; And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (KJV).  David knew from his own experience with the Lord that the path to healing and righteousness would come by asking God to shine His searchlight into David’s heart to reveal areas that needed cleansing and healing.  Hiding sin had proved disastrous for David in the past.  And now he pleads with God to search his heart so that he can be as close to God as possible.  (To see a vibrant picture of David’s longing to be near to God, read Ps 27:4.)

The New Living Translation provides a helpful adjective in verse 23.  “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Typically when I have anxiety, worry, or fear in my heart, the temptation is to pull back and stay away from vulnerability.  Like a child who is afraid to show Mom the splinter in her foot, we hide the limp caused by the unwelcome invader.  The thought of Mom with flashlight and needle in hand, opening up the wound to bring healing, is too frightening.  Until the pain becomes too much to ignore.

However, like Mom, our Heavenly Father longs for us to be healed and whole.  Therefore, He calls us to open our hearts wide to Him and even ask for Him to shine His light upon us, searching out the problem areas.  What is causing our fear, our anxiety?  What old wound needs to be treated and healed so that we can have peace?

Is there anything causing an infection, like unforgiveness or bitterness?  Will we allow Him to search our hearts, flush out the offense, and apply His mercy and healing like a soothing balm with antiseptic? 

A friend of mine recently had surgery to repair a torn tendon, and now that healing is well under way, the doctor advises massaging the scar tissue below the skin, to soften and heal the area.  I have places that may seem mostly healed, but they still need to be softened.  As the Lord searches my heart, He may find a callous or scar, a hardened place that is still keeping me from feeling His gracious love and mercy.  The question is whether I will pull away in shame, or will I allow His loving hand to probe my heart for hard places and begin to massage it.  Only then can He apply healing oils to restore a soft heart in me. 

As the Lord shines his light more deeply, I may find that disappointment from past hurts is preventing me from trusting.  There may be nearly forgotten wounding from an unanswered prayer that is keeping me from praying.  How will I respond when the Lord reveals these areas to me?  May I respond with gratitude and prayer for more of his healing hand upon my heart.  

Look at the New English Translation of Ps 139, and consider the words that I have italicized.

23 Examine me, and probe my thoughts!

Test me, and know my concerns!

24 See if there is any idolatrous tendency in me,

and lead me in the reliable ancient path!

To what degree will I honestly ask for examination and probing?  Am I comfortable with the Lord knowing my deep concerns, even when those concerns are doubts and fears that reveal my distrust of Him?  Do we want to open our hearts and show our Lord the thoughts we have of our idols, knowing that such idolatry is unfaithfulness to Him?

Remember that in opening our hearts to God’s searchlight and his probing (and loving) hands, we take important steps to wholeness, healing, freedom, and transformation within!

Pray with me:  “Lord, search my heart for anything that keeps me from loving and trusting you.  Reveal to me the lingering effects of sin, lies, pain, and disappointment.  Uncover the root causes of my anxious thoughts and fears.  Where I have sinned or been hurt, forgive, restore, and heal me!  I want to trust again and love you unreservedly.  I don’t want anything to stand in the way of a wholehearted relationship with you!”